Parenting: Before You Judge...

A blogger for the Huffington Post recently bloviated about how she wants her young boys to see her naked.  While I don't condemn her intentions, I seriously question her methods.  It is more than an accidental exposer, it is more like flaunting.  There is another story regarding running back Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings.  This second example is difficult, I am a Vikings fan and an Adrian Peterson fan.  Peterson has been rightly charged with child abuse for the punishment of his kid.  I will not recount the details here, but the physical damage was significant.  My own personal story involves spankings that in todays world would likely be considered abuse.  I was never harmed in the same way that Peterson's son was, I don't recall having any kind of significant injury, but I am certain that my but was very sore on numerous occasions.  It was common for my spankings to include belts, paddles, hangers, kitchen spoons, and probably other objects.  

It is very important to judge what is right when it comes to parenting, but it is not as easy as you might think.  Before you judge, let's consider several factors:

• The culture of the family.  No, I am not suggesting that a culture can ever justify abusive behavior, but I am going to suggest that the line between punishment and abuse is not as clear as everyone would like.  We generally make that judgment based on our own cultural experience in our own family or community.  This seems to be a significant factor in the Adrian Peterson case.  He has said that is how he was raised, he was doing what he was familiar with.  While this is not a justification, it may give some insight into Adrian's state of mind.  In a different way, this mom is trying to fight culture.  She correctly sees a problem in culture, and while her solution is, in my opinion, wrong headed, her intent is understandable.
  
• The child.  The personality of a child is essential.  Both of my kids have received spankings in their life.  We have never used objects like belts or paddles, but spankings were part of the parenting arsenal.  My oldest is a great kid who I am extremely proud of.  She is a little strong willed like her daddy, but most people probably wouldn't know that.  Today she really needs very little punishment or consequences.  Sure, there are arguments from time to time, but rarely do they result in any kind of consequence that is not natural.  When she was young, she received many spankings, but while she was strong willed she also had a sensitive side.  As parents we learned to exploit the sensitive side to combat the strong willed side.  As a result, spankings were more about psychology than about inflicting pain.  Spankings represented punishment for wrong doing that displeased mom or dad.  So, I would often announce to her that I was going to spank her for the wrong doing and then I would talk to her about it for several minutes continuing to mention the coming spanking.  By the time I spanked her, I barely had to touch her and she would respond with great weeping.  Weeping was not my goal, but the feelings of remorse for wrong action was, and it worked!!  My son is very different and we have used different methods with him; the first time he laughed at me when I spanked him he was 18 months old.  I knew at that point that we had to find different methods with him, and we have.  The point is, the corporal punishment used on me (belts, hangers, spoons, etc.) worked.  Was it over the line?  Maybe, I'm not sure.  I know it worked, I know I am not resentful, I know I was strong willed then and I continue to be in a more healthy way today.  While my daughter is strong willed in some ways, she is not strong willed in the same way or to the same extent I was.  Using those methods on her would probably have harmed her in a big way.  The same for my son.
• The parent.  Reading some psychology books or parenting books won't give you all the answers.  Don't get me wrong, I have read several parenting books and they are helpful, but in the end parenting is a dynamic relationship between parent and child.  All personalities play a role.  Some parents might be super creative and they use that creativity to come up with creative ideas in raising their kids.  Others, like myself, are not so creative, but analytical.  I want my kids to see a direct link between actions and consequences.  I want predictability and instant response.  As a result, I'm not very creative, but my kids know what to expect from dad and they know how they are expected to respond.
• Love.  To be clear, punishment should be from a place of love for our kids.  They need to know this.  I have often told them why I have to punish them as a parent and how every punishment is preparation for adulthood in one way or another.  I have often explained how it would be unloving if I didn't prepare them well for life.  I also love on my kids in more nurturing ways constantly...they know I love them!!  I am not naturally nurturing, and sometimes that comes out in my parenting too, but God as given me a nurturing spirit towards my kids.  If you don't have that, pray for it, I know God will give it to you.
  

We should also consider Scripture.  Parents should not spare the rod, punishment is essential (Prov. 13:24).  Parents should not exasperate their children either (Eph. 6:4).  While there are no guarantees, parents need to train their children for life and generally speaking, they will follow it (Prov. 22:6).  We are to pass on our faith to our children and teach them (Duet. 6:4 ff).  Discipline helps children, it is good for them and it gives them hope (Prov. 19:18; 22:15).  In all our discipline, it must always be for the good of the child, to give them hope and not to discourage them (Col. 3:21).  

In the end, Both the stories I mentioned at the beginning are discouraging.  In both cases the intent of the parent seems to be good, but the methods also seem to be harmful.  This mom may be creating unhealthy perspectives for her kids and Peterson is causing physical harm to his kids.  Perhaps grace and retraining are more appropriate in these cases.  My prayer is the Peterson can get through this and find some people who will mentor him regarding his parenting.  My prayer for this mom is that she will begin to cover up sooner rather than later and find other more appropriate ways to communicate the intended message to her boys at a more appropriate age.